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If I had a quarter for every time I heard a new client say something to the tune of ...
"The rest of my life is going well except for this sexual addiction problem."
... I'd be wealthy enough to retire! :)
Compartmentalizing And Sexual Addiction
It is fairly common for a new
client seeking freedom from their sexual/pornography addiction to genuinely contend that
the rest of his life is "going fine." He sees no need for
much change in the rest of his life, except for this one particular area. Described in this manner,
one's sexual addiction is presented like a spilled drink on the kitcen floor,
isolated to just one room that affects no other rooms in the house. If only it were true or that simple!
Even Christians in church settings, can "spiritualize" their compartmentalizing by
rationalizing that they just need extra prayer or will do it just between God and themselves,
as a way to avoid participating in a group, being accountable with others, or facing
squarely the deep pain in their lives.
As a counselor who specializes in sexual addiction issues, my personal and professional
experience has told me otherwise. The negative consequences of addiction will affect most if not all
of the areas of one's life. Addiction will harm a person's character, wellness (physical, mental, emotional)
and damage one's attitude - toward God, his
marriage and family, his view of himself and even life itself.
Mastering the behavioral aspects
of abstaining from sexually addictive behavior is not too difficult.
Techniques, routines and rigid accountability measures can handle all that ... to an extent.
The snares and traps of sexual addiction touch many areas, and
here are a some common issues that one will typically need to work through:
- Low self-worth
- Self-centeredness, self-absorption, pride, arrogance, etc.
- Harming others directly and indirectly because of our addictive behavior and attitude.
- Lacking compassion and empathy for others. Not understanding how one's behavior negatively effects others.
- Emotional immaturity, "game playing" in relationships, manipulation and lying.
- An inability to accept and receive true forgiveness with God and others.
- Difficulty being "real" and genuine; Inability to have fulfilling and meaningful relationships.
- Marital and family problems.
- Occupational problems and financial problems.
In my counseling work, I have found there key areas as essential for the client to explore courageous, namely:
1) One's family history, relationship with their parents and significant relationships as a child,
2) The origin and one's low self-worth and the "core beliefs" about oneself, 3) Exploring the pain,
sadness and realities one has avoided for so long with their addictive behavior.
If one wants long-term freedom from sexual addiction, one must
be willing to explore the deeper emotional and spiritual issues of one's heart.
Comparmentalizing does not work because those core issues - going unexamined and unchecked - will
haunt the sex addict and likely keep such a person in the same rut.
New behaviors might be learned and practiced, but if one's
heart has not been touched in a transformational way, it would be as
absurd as expecting a dandelion to be removed by just merely cutting
the bright yellow flower off the top of it. Even Jesus rebuked to the Pharisees who had this same mentality, "...You clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence. Blind Pharisee! First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then outside also will be clean." (Matthew 23:25-26)
You must know this: To come out on the other side of sexual addiction,
you are going to be a very different person from when you started. There
is no compartmentalizing different areas of your life.
You have gotten to where you are with your sexual addiction by the ways you have lived your life,
the negative habits you have adopted to cope
with life's difficulties, and ultimately, the way you view yourself,
God and the world. Courageously sorting throught such issues, with the help of God, is essential to getting truly free!
If I can be of any help to you in the area of sexual addiction, please don't hesitate to contact me.
Steve Garufi, M.A. L.P.C.
Journey Of Hope Counseling
Ph: (719) 395-2426
eMail: stevegarufi-at-juno-dot-com
(Top Photo: The view of Kite Lake from the loop hike of Mt. Democrat, Mt. Lincoln and Mt. Bross in Colorado.)
(Lower photo: Mt. Sheridan and Mt. Sherman, located west of Fairplay, Colorado.)
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